I know I have big dreams and that I set my ambitions high . . . but what is wrong with that? Perfectionist? No. I can let mistakes go. I can chill out if things aren’t happening as quickly or perfectly as I want them to.
That’s what denial does: Didn’t Even Notice I Am Lying
Until . . . um . . . a few days ago.
I know, right? How can that be?
How could I not know that I worried what people thought of me, or that being pretty darn awesome to most everyone was crucial to my self-esteem?
How could I not know that stumbling, let alone falling, was a massive deterrent?
How could I not know that I would do just about anything (ethically) to do the best job I could and win over as many people as possible?
How could I not know?
How did I not know?
And then this weekend, I was broken open.
I honestly can’t tell you why or what occurred to cause this cracking of the clay. There was no defining moment. No gut-wrenching tragedy or trauma.
Okay . . . so maybe I was too sensitive to some personal criticism or maybe he was too insensitive . . . but I’ve felt that way before and it has never transgressed into a Dark Night of the Soul.
I can normally let someone’s unkind opinion of me slide off my back, without much effort.
So what happened this weekend that broke the proverbial camel’s back that, in turn, broke my heart open?
I do know that I released years and years and years of stored, toxic emotions.
When there were no more tears left to cry (and there more than I could have ever imagined), I knew I was done with “the story” . . .
The “I’m not enough” story.
The “I have to win you over” story.
The “I need to belong somewhere because I have nowhere” story.
The “I’m not small enough, thin enough, short enough” story.
The “You’re not really into me” story.
The “I can’t trust anyone” story.
The “I have to prove myself” story.
All the stories. The lies. The garbage I’ve been told. Things I don’t know if I would have ever thought up on my own, had I not been so wounded, abandoned, betrayed, neglected.
Yep. I defragmented my computer. Uninstalled the corrupted files. Cleaned out my cache and cookies. Emptied.
How do I know for certain?
Because I’m not worried about telling you.
I’m not worried that you’ll think, “Wow. I thought she’d figured this out already!”
I’m not worried that you won’t like me, won’t accept me, or won’t agree with me.
You might. You might not. But I’d thought I’d share it with you anyway.
Please feel free to share this with the perfectionist(s) in your life. It might help.
Then again, it might not…
If you personally resonate with this realization and you know it’s time to be COMPLETELY FREE of pleasing others at the sake of yourself, I’d love to support your healing journey. I have two upcoming events — one in person and one online — that will help you step into your power and set yourself free!